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Dawn this morning was really quite lovely.The mood was very romantic, the colors of it, sweet colors; rose and gold on a smokey red sky. The perfect sunrise left my room, feel of a soft yet heavy romance.
The kind of morning lovers dance- in a half hours time the sky turned a steel blue, too white to feel really cold. The rest of this day has already begun.
The kind of morning when lovers wake and fall into their lovers dance, yes it was a morning of romance. To see it, feel it,and be alone is what made me sad- glad to be alive to enjoy- but sad to be alone. Not the kind of morning to wake up with nothing but lost nights, good book lying next to you. The beauty seen and felt kept me in awe long enough to not feel the pain too deeply. It's the after shock that leaves me blue.
Sometimes Almost to concerned about what I am supposed to do. Not remembering exactly what was said to me so long ago. To remember the precise detail of..anyway, now I ask myself why wonder about what it is supposed to be done, and just do what you feel like doing.
To not live in a stupor of shame, guilt and pain. To be free of those shackles would indeed be nice. Is it possible for me to release me from my shackles of pain? Just be the very best I can be and only to stay happy with whats left of me.
This morning ladden with the heavy perfume of romance left me with a sad feeling. Somehow the beauty of it's mellow slant stirred feeling in me that I haven't felt for so long, yet that's not really true. The sunset of a few days past set the same mood.
This splendor was being shared by by lovers somewhere, somewhere near- and I was left to dance alone. I am filled with a pain I can not express. So I hurt myself instead, stub my toe so I can cry. I have to have an excuse. Bottled up in my head, my heart and gut is a pain and fear of lonliness that grips like a vice.
Going to the park now that the pain subsides
fear is near, fear of being left alone, fear of ridicule and disgust.
- Gail Brough